Well, that didn't take long. My delicate feet are purple. But at least I now know that I am using the wrong part of my foot on the pole. I think there are too many people in my dance class!

I saw Tsotsi tonight. The feeling I got from watching it reminded me of Crash. Tsotsi was good. I was probably holding my breath a lot.

My latest embarrassment: *liking* Paris Hilton's latest single. The title Stars are Blind make me wonder what kind of stars we're talking about. She sounds like Gwen Stefani in it (I wonder what her team had to do to get that album ready...), and the song is just upbeat and happy sounding. Also, hearing Riding Dirty makes me laugh every single time! Now that I've looked up the lyrics, I realise how stupid they are really are, but every time I heard "riding dirty," it makes me want to do a dance routine for it.

And when I get some time, I want to find some more Gnarls Barkley and find out more about them.

I guess I should go to sleep. I still need to work out and get ready for Friday. I'm going to see old co-workers for lunch and I even took half a day off for it. 

I finally watched it last night. I kind of got lost, but I did enjoy the acting. Maybe I should watch more of Robert Downey Jr.'s films. I *loved* him in Ally McBeal.

And Val Kilmer's character, Gay Perry -- he was a riot. Maybe it's because his sarcasm reminded me of me. These days I am trying not to be so sarcastic, and I catch myself before I say the opposite of what I mean. But "Gay Perry"!! What a great name!

Damn right!

I try to abide by "if you don't have anything nice to say [to someone's face] , don't say anything at all." But there have been so many times where I did want to say something. People are sometimes right when they say I look like I am thinking something but not saying it.

Anyway, I guess Big C really did think he had a chance with me again all those times we started talking again after the first (and only!) time we dated. I'm not sure exes really understand the pain they can cause.

I am not that great at forgiving and forgetting. Is it ever really possible to do both?  Anyhow, once a guy and I are through, I don't want to go back there ever again. It even takes me a while to consider having a friendship with them. I'd prefer not to.

Do nipples have sweat glands?? I looked like I was lactating today when I finished my workout at the gym.  

Last night, a and I watched Pixote . It was playing at the Vancouver International Film Centre . The place only opened last year, and it's a great theatre. I think the only good part about living in downtown Vancouver would be the easy access to movie theatres.

The latest theme has been "City Limits - Slums of the World" -- totally up my alley! Or so I thought. :) Pixote was made in 1981, and it's a movie about Brazilian orphans. The movie was very hard to watch. I don't think I can ever handle watching movies were kids are sexual beings or victims of abuse. There were some very graphic scenes.

a and I have this thing where we sort of rate each other's movie picks. I blasted him for making me watch Waiting, and then he watched Transamerica with me. And then last night just tipped the scales.  

That movie was not for the faint of heart. I typically don't like the kind of movie where the main characters can just never seem to get ahead. It's just tragedy after tragedy. But with this one, they threw in some rape, drug abuse, sex, and murder, too.

Well, this week, someone that knew me stumbled across my blog. I think he read what I wrote about him, but I don't remember what I said. It probably wasn't very pleasant to read. He used some interesting search terms.

Meanwhile, other people have used interesting search terms, too! What search terms have people been using this week to stumble across my blog?

lyrics dinner and movie feeling kind of queasy
That sounds like the song of my current life.

couldn't hold full bladder
It's good to pee.

television preview scam
OMG, that was the WORST scam EVER! It was some marketing thing making the audience think they were watching a pilot for a TV show, but in reality, they wanted you to watch the ads.

date, didn't walk me to the door
I hate when my dates don't walk me to my car, and they get BIG points if they walk me to my door. Forget about him!

google help . i like this male as a friend , but he likes me more than that well thats the impression i get .
Let me guess...he hasn't said anything? If you get that feeling, it's probably true!

salad fingers none of that until you finish
BUT I WANT SALAD FINGERS!

amanda peed herself
Oh, no she didn't!

womyn's'ware and artists
Womny's Ware -- my favourite sex shop! They carry local art!

tell if it's a date
If somebody says it is, that really helps a lot.

cougar bar richmond bc
There was Matches, but it's not open anymore.

my tattoo cost
Mine cost...I don't remember. I think the rate was $100 an hour? And I think it took 2 hours.

my hands are dry innuendo
When my hands are dry, they really are dry.

grabbed bull balls
Did it take two hands, and did your hands dry out?

Dairy will be the death of me. The last time I got sick, I couldn't handle dairy. I should have remembered that. Now I am full of dairy and feeling gross!

I am still so tired. I don't know why. Is it recovering from my cold? Not eating enough? Side effects of the pill? Sometimes I think about going off it, but I like how it's made life convenient.

Cute Butt Boy completely forgot that we were going to get together tonight. We played a bit of phone tag. First I text messaged him trying to hide my displeasure of not having heard from him in days, especially about tonight. Then he called me from work to tell me he forgot we had plans. Then I called him back and noted my displeasure that he forgot and that he did not return my call (I guess I should have noted I meant my call from Wed. night). And then he called me back where we actually talked.

He was apologetic and tried to make amends, but I was still bitchy on the phone. I hadn't thought more about what I was hoping to achieve with the call. Anyhow, he first suggested I go out to his place after he got off work at 12:30 am, so I could stay over and we'd go out for breakfast. I didn't like that idea, so I said no. Then I told him I had plans tomorrow night, so he asked about getting together during the day. I said okay, and he said he'd call in the morning.

I think if he was a boyfriend, I might consider his post-work plan, but he's not. I hate getting together with a guy to go to sleep. I hated it when it happened with UnPorsche, too. If I don't know a guy that well just yet, I want to be getting to know him better and not his sleeping habits.

My friend a thinks I shouldn't worry so much about people's feelings. I find it difficult to say things diplomatically when I am mad. I needed CBB to know I was mad, but I didn't want to appear too irrational. One thing I did avoid was being sarcastic. I was proud of myself for saying what I meant.

Anyway, the proper thing for me to do was to have sounded more forgiving, right? I didn't offer any alternatives when I shot down his ideas for getting together. He was sounding a little ... I don't know...frustrated, I guess. Which made me ask myself -- why would he even want to see me?!

How horrible of me to think so lowly of myself. :-/ But that's the place I've been at lately. I don't know why I am being so insecure and letting myself be that way.

I took a couple of Visio training sessions this week, and in both, I got slapped!

My co-worker beside was being playful, I guess, but getting smacked still kind of hurt! I think she is going through menopause. The room was freezing cold, but she was so hot! And she was kind of slow. The first time she slapped me was for playing Solitaire. The second time was for being too speedy.

The Visio training were workshop formats. I totally breezed through the exercises. It wasn't like they were easy or hard. But like any training material, you follow the steps and just do the exercises. Hot Flashing Co-worker said I was intimidating her!

Oh, did I mention I got a raise? I can't wait to see my next paycheque. Not that I got a huge raise, but like my boss said, "it's better than a kick in the pants."

It was also Bring Your Dog to Work Day today. I am as comfortable around dogs as I am around kids. In other words, not very. I don't know what to do with them.

Sometimes I say I don't want to date guys with pets. In general, I mean dogs and cats. I feel it's like dating a single parent. Some people are offended when I say that. Some people take it very personally. I think that a pet is just as important as any human family member, and I am not ready to take on that extra family member when I date the guy.

I emailed the IKEA guy, and he wrote back. He's another guy who lives in the gay part of town. I keep meeting guys from that area. I don't get it. Cute Butt Boy lives there, too. And I haven't heard from him today either!! Grr!

Tonight's dance class was a good workout. I have missed those classes. It's a little sad that it's not the same instructors anymore though! 

I didn't like Napolean Dynamite because I didn't get it. Maybe that should have been an indication on how much I'd like Nacho Libre. There were some great facial expressions, and the message was nice, but I couldn't wait for the movie to be over. And Jack Black has inverted nipples.

Yesterday I was at the supermarket, and it was that cashier again. I once knew him when I was in university. We met through ASFO. I am not sure if he recognises me from those days, or if he recognises me from shopping there. One time I was there with UnPorsche, and Cashier Boy got all flustered. Yesterday, he said to me, "maybe I won't be in the express lane  next time." What was that supposed to mean? I usually use the express lane.

Why do I get hit on more often when I am with a guy than when I am by myself? And what do the guys I am with think when I get hit on in front of them? I usually just laugh it off.

I am starting my pole dance classes again tomorrow. I have missed them. I am not sure how I feel about starting from the very beginning again. I hope I won't be too bored, but I would like to build up the strength again.

And Cute Butt Boy didn't answer my call or give me a call back tonight. I wonder what he is doing...being drunk, perhaps? Or who is he with?

One reason why I will never do the online dating thing again is that I've become very mistrustful of the guys I meet. Half are players. The other half are clueless about women. 

I'm a great listener even though these days I have less patience for listening.

Often people say something to me, and I get their point. However, they keep talking and talking. Sometimes they repeat themselves. Sometimes they try to say the thing in different ways. And when this happens, I look at them, tune out a little, and in my head, I say, "you are talking too much."

Yesterday was a hairy day, and I was exhausted. I was too exhausted to post, and right now I am too busy to catch up on blogs and comments (boooo). But I was all set to go home yesterday after a full day of Visio training, but my coworker came by and talked to me for frickin half an hour.

I was so hungry that I was weak. Maybe that is why I was so tired yesterday.

I had an experience at the supermarket yesterday; I'll post about it later. Today I actually have work to do. 

I have a friend who hates sweats. Apparently, only people who've given up on life wear them. BWAHAHAA

I have to admit I have been feeling rather pessimistic lately. I realised that I haven't had a real boyfriend in over 4 years. I know I've dated a lot over the past several years, and the constant disappointment is getting to me. I am even starting to feel uncomfortable when I am with my closest friends. They are all talking about marriage, and they all live with their boyfriends.

And then I wonder if I am even cut out for relationships. I'm such a freak with my expectations. And then I worry that I'd get bored. BWAHAHA

And my dad came over for his Father's Day dinner tonight. It wasn't too awkward, I guess. It was his first time having dinner at my place, and I've been living at my place since August 2004. He didn't complain too much about the food, but seriously, why couldn't he just remember that I was trying to do something nice for him. And it is still really hard seeing him depressed.

I sure use a lot of "ands."

Cute Butt Boy called me tonight. I am too old for games. I'll call him tomorrow. I was having a dumb debate in my head. "Should I call him if I don't hear from him tomorrow?" "Should I offer him a bit of a chase?"  Sometimes I feel like I gave him an ultimatum even though I absolutely did not, which makes me worry whether his actions are based on his wants or his fears.

I am going to practise being a softer person even though I have no idea how the hell I am going to do it! Supposedly, a feeling of security will come to me when I let myself feel vulnerable. I would just never want to appear needy. But I know I can come across like I don't even care. 

I enjoy documentaries a lot, especially when they talk about destruction -- destruction of the earth, destruction of people's lives, etc.

I was really looking forward to seeing An Inconvenient Truth, but I was kind of disappointed. And it was boring. The lecture part of the movie, I had already learned in Science 8. I guess I am proud that  I am environmentally aware and that this stuff is tought in the regular curriculum. I may not do all I can to be doing the right thing, but knowing is half the a battle!!

I was disappointed because I didn't learn anything shockingly new. There were a lot of statistics on how the USA is the worst of all CO2 contributors -- a whole lot of American focus throughout.

Yes, I know that should be expected. I respect Al Gore a lot more now. And I wonder if he and Apple have some sort of deal? If the movie didn't show him speaking, he was on his laptop. 

"It was nice meeting you. Sorry things didn't work out."

Man, that was formal. But I have my parking pass back.

It is still too bad about the schlong. 

Cute Butt Boy was near my 'hood yesterday, working, so he gave me a call. I met up with him at IKEA, and the place was CRAZY! I was wondering why the heck the place was so busy. Turns out they were having one of their annual sales. Ugh. I got a pack of napkins while I was there. The cashier asked me, "didn't you find what you were looking for?" I told her that I found *exactly* what I was looking for.

While I was parking the car, I was on the phone with CBB because I didn't know where he was. Then I got out of the car, and I noticed this guy staring at me. And staring. I thought, "how creepy." BWAHAHAA I'm walking and walking, and I thought he said to me "ça va?" I thought...whatever and found CBB. I pointed out the guy to him, and the creepy guy was still looking at me!

We did our shopping; I could have done without...I hate crowded shopping places! When we got back to my car, there was a note stuck in the door. It was someone named Rad, and he gave me his email address. I am assuming it was the creepy guy, and he probably speak to me in French because the note was written in bad English.

I showed CBB the note, and unfortunately, I could not guage his level of jealousy. And he did not ask if I was going to write to the creepy guy. Darn.

You know what I don't like? When I think I have plans with a guy, and on the day of, he'll ask me if I still want to get together. CBB did that to me today. And then it just got my wheels turning. "Is this too much for him? Does he not want to get together tonight?"

I think that he liked when I said I didn't like spending a lot of time with boyfriends. And this time, he told me about this girl that he had a made a date with, but when she called to make arrangements, his reaction was, "ugh! Fuck!" Hell, if a guy had that kind of reaction to me calling about a date, I'd rather not put him through the torture of going out with me *eyes roll*

So, all in all, if he doesn't want to go out with me, all he has to do is tell me. But he hasn't. I think we will go see a movie tonight. And he won't be staying over, if he comes out to my hood.

Well, after the last couple of days of avoidance, I sent UnPorsche an MSN message to ask for my parking pass back. I guess he just assumed things were over.

Funny I've experienced this with guys where I get upset once, and they think everything is over.

I started wondering if that is like dating myself. I used to run at the sign of trouble, but now I wouldn't completely disappear. I'd mull it over.

So he called and we talked a bit, and he wanted to know what he did that upset him (so he'd know for future reference for other women). And then he rambled on a bit how he hoped for the best for me, and sometimes the chemistry is not there. I told him about how I thought he was going to be an inconsiderate lover because of his "foreplay" and his negative reaction to me telling him that I'd be out of commission for a week, which had been "fuck that! I'm leaving in two weeks," and that he put pressure on me when I had the bladder infection and the cold.

His feedback to me was that I should have said something if it wasn't working for me, and that I should have been more adamant about saying no -- kind of like I should have meant what I said?? I think the bottom line was that he couldn't read me.

I think I should make a more conscious effort about being read-able, but I seriously don't know how to. I don't know how many times I've heard from people that they can't always tell when I'm joking or when I am serious. I don't know if that is something I can change.

But anyway, things with UnPorsche are done with, and I am a little relieved about the ending things part. It will be a little sad, too because he wasn't a horrible guy. We just weren't a good match. And it is still too unfortunate about missing out on a big schlong.

Since I was out of commission last week, I didn't do the Friday Find-Me! This week was kind of quiet, so I can combine the last 2 weeks' worth of Internet searches! How are people finding my blog from their searching??

what makes you unique pageant question
If you have to ask, you shouldn't be in a pageant.  Come up with your own ideas, sheesh!

driving in * heels
Driving in * flats are better because you can have better control over your pedals.

asian sexy wife
I'll be one some day :-)

totally chickened out computer spring fair chemistry commitment right now
Excuses, excuses.

2006 lipstick * on * cheek
As opposed to * under * the cheeks? How do you explain lipstick on the ass?

drunk peed herself
I can't imagine people doing that. Do guys do that, too?

asian women who take advantage of white dudes
I'm not one of them! BWAHAHAHA There are probably non-asian women who take advantage of white dudes, too.

I always talk about "the talk," where a couple explicitly says that they're a couple. For me, I'm not anyone's girlfriend until we've had "the talk." And until "the talk," I will date whoever I want.

I explained this to Cute Butt Boy tonight (again).

I guess he hadn't forgotten that he wanted to have a talk with me about our situation. He just felt like there wasn't an opportunity even though we've talked every day for the past few days. I kept trying to change the subject. I told him a bit about UnPorsche and I told him about being rejected by Hairy Butt Boy. I've told him all sorts of stories about guys I've dated. But he'd always go back to the topic of conversation.

Good on him!

So...we're going to try dating. No promises of anything. I know he is not in a place to be married and have kids, and that is fine. We've just never dated before. It's always been sack action and only sack action. He said he didn't like the idea when I suggested we not have any more contact.

I had told him that I didn't want to sleep with anyone that I wasn't dating, and I explained to him that I questioned "why would I would sleep with someone who doesn't even want to date me?" And since we had no other roots, there would have been no point in talking anymore.

I'm still a little guarded about what's going on, and I expressed to him again that I was a little suspicious that he wanted something a little more serious and was going to settle for me. I've just known a lot of guys who have settled because they don't want to be alone. He said that wasn't the case and that he has no problem meeting girls.

So...I guess we'll see.

We didn't have "the talk," but we had "a talk". Now I can't remember what this all means. But we have a date coming up for Saturday.

UnPorsche is on his way out.

His priority is shooting guns now, and I don't feel like competing. The prize isn't worth it. If I don't feel good about myself being around him, I should probably work on myself anyhow. I want someone sensitive to my needs and requests. What I liked most about him (before) was that he talked about stuff we were going to do. I was patient. Now he just talks about shooting guns, his errands, and ... I guess that is all, actually.

Here is a summary of how I saw things fold over the last few months....

We started messaging while he was away. My attempts to flirt were greeted by a few (:-p)s. Well, okay...I was putting myself out there, and not making fun of anything. So that ticked me off, and I just stopped flirting and chatted with him like an acquaintance. I didn't even think he was interested. He didn't talk about getting together when he got back or talking on the phone.

But the day after he got back, he asked me if I wanted to meet up that night. I was kind of surprised. I didn't think he was interested. So then there were a couple of weeks of seeing each other often, where he'd ask me out fairly last minute. Since we didn't wait a week to go by, I guess it was not possible to ask well in advance. So all these "dates," we'd do the dutch thing, and there'd be no good bye kiss or hug. I was left wondering WTF? And I had checked out his package and was really curious. BWAHAHAHA

So finally, *I* made a move. WTF? After two weeks of whatever, I had had enough so I made a move. I didn't like his kissing style at all. We kept seeing each other. He was practically living at my place. I felt so smothered. But I wanted to stick it out for one more week since he was leaving for five. But by the time he left, I was very ready for some personal space again.  

He left, and then I left for Vegas. We were still in communication then. "Do you miss me?" I guess I still needed space. And then for the next four weeks, we MSNed daily. Halfway through, I was bored of our conversations. All he talked about was what he was eating and how bored he was. It got to the point where I didn't really want to see him when he got back.

But he got back a week and a half ago. And we saw each other the second day he got back, and it was a good time. I was relieved. But after that, things were a little different. I can't place my finger on it. I guess it was his lack of effort. I can't really say too much because my effort has been even worse. But I just assume he's busy because he always has "errands."

I guess it bothers me that he does his own things when I have the most time available for him. I like that he is affectionate. It is great. And I like that he has hobbies. I would hate for a guy to want my time all the time. But the balance isn't there.

And I want someone with more maturity and who respects me. It'd be nice to have a boyfriend who doesn't talk to me like a guy. You can call your friends jackasses all you want, but don't EVER call me a jackass. It is *not* a term of endearment.

I want a guy who knows how to kiss. His pecks are over by the time I have even finished puckering up. BWAHAHA Seriously. Stopping and starting abruptly is not a form of teasing. *sigh* The kissing has gotten better, but no fireworks. It was weird, when I saw Cute Butt Boy because when we kissed, I was like OMG. I was surprised at how great it was. Anyway, I am on a tangent.

And the whole no foreplay thing and expecting me to take care of his needs -- too much. It happened before he left, and it happened again recently. And yes, I commend myself for shifting my body so he couldn't jab me with his meatstick (and let's not forget I had a raging bladder infection and a cold). I wasn't going to let him do anything without any regards for me. I once said to him that he we were not going to have sex until he got me off first. And he probably forgot or thought I was joking. He said, "I can get you off." A lot of guys are all talk.

My playful sexual side has not come out with this fellow. That worries me because I know what I am like. I am sure I have been turned down for sex more often than I have been turned down. I haven't even had the urge to grab him and he is well-endowed. I love his size. Darnit. BWAHAHAHA 

I guess that is the end of Hairy Butt Boy.

And I didn't even have any interest in him, but maybe I was a little mean for using him to entertain me. Anyhow, I've been blocked and deleted from his MSN list.

I'd been using a photo of a penis man for my MSN photo. He didn't like it. I thought it was a funny photo. It was doctored in PhotoShop to look like a guy with arms. I told him I needed a new picture, something along the same lines.

He could have at least given me some warning! Geez!

He didn't really like the spanking picture I was using, too.

I already knew he was too conservative for me, but I guess I was just downright offensive to him! He would have known if he had actually gotten my jokes and innuendo earlier. *giggles*

Good bye, Hairy Butt Boy! 

I thought the movie was supposed to be a comedy!!! There was nothing funny about it. It was painful. Even tasty Vince wasn't so tasty in this one. I cried through much of it. So did Poola.

It was sad because we could totally feel Brooke's pain. Her and Gary's fights...were all just so typical of the usual man-woman miscommunication. I guess I'd been in Brooke's shoes too many times in my life.

I don't think I ever want to see that movie again.

And then I was all depressed last night. I don't know if it was from the movie or just having a breakdown with my men issues or from being totally out of it because of my cold. Anyhow, I was feeling like a loser, wondering why I let myself date guys who don't treat me better.

I thought I had reached the climax of my cold, but I am not sure. I could still use more sick days, but it's too freakin' hot in my condo to stay here. 

And where is polyandry legal? I'll post more on that later. Time to go to work!     

If only I had my camera with me. I love taking photos of entertaining signs.

I was in the bathroom the other day, and there was an open letter taped up to the wall asking women to not squat to pee. BWAHAHAHA The reason is that the pee gets everywhere, and people end up stepping in it, tracking it into their cars and homes! BWAHAHAA

I like the the bathrooms in the US have the toilet seat covers. But if you can't squat to pee diligently, then just sit down. Geez. And wipe your messes. Isn't that simple enough? 

UnPorsche just offered to go home, and I let him. I was upset, but I didn't want to say why. I was afraid I'd say something hurtful.

This post might have more information that anyone would care to know, especially what is going on  in my sack. So, be warned...stop reading if you're not interested. 

One of my biggest fears in a relationship is bad sex. I've had so much of it that I've grown fearful. Maybe bad sex is not the correct term, but I've had waaay too many selfish lovers. And I don't want another one. I have a feeling UnPorsche may be one. Either that or he's inexperienced, but  I don't think he is completely inexperienced.

What would I like to say to him? "Do you think a little kissing is enough foreplay? What are we? In high school? Wait a sec, even then it was hotter." But I wouldn't. I have stopped myself short a couple of times. I've ended up saying, "I just can't..." and then I stop. I think he thinks I mean that I can't sleep with him, but what I would have said was, "I just can't go from nothing to sticking it in."

I'm not sure what I want to say to him, but I need to tell him what is on my mind. The nice way would be, "I'm concerned that my sexual needs won't be met." That's the proper way, right? When you want to accuse someone of something without being direct?!

But it worries me that he doesn't seem to have much regard for me. I have a bladder infection and a cold, yet he still wants to get it on. I guess wanting it is not such a bad thing, but pushing is a little...much. And tonight, I don't know what he was trying to do, but after a bit of kissing, he said something about "getting it going," as in his dick. It doesn't work for me that way. And a bit of him on top of me kissing, and he says, "okay, your turn," as in "you get on top of me now." How unnatural is that?! 

And the other night -- I guess it was Sunday, after I got my antibiotics for my bladder infection, I jokingly said to him I wouldn't be able to have sex for a month. His response was, "fuck that! I leave in 2 weeks!" He may have been joking but not completely.  

So...I think I have reason to be worried. But talking about it does not appeal to me. I don't know if I can even collect my thoughts on this one. I can't let these thoughts out like a log; they tend to come out like diarrhea.

What kills me is that I can be getting laid and by people who find me desirable. Sometimes I wonder if things are difficult already, then what am I up for? I guess I am also insecure. Like what is going on with me and UnPorsche? It's like we skipped over the courting part. I am kind of bored. Does he even like me, or is he comfortable with this routine?! It's too soon for routine. Maybe he's not into me.

I can't take sitting around anymore. I'm making like a baby and heading out!

UnPorsche called this morning but didn't leave a message. I wonder why?

The HandyMan is still trying. Why?

CuteButtBoy texted me to say sorry for not calling.

My body feels like jelly, and my mind is racing. I think a long walk might do me well. Too bad the sun is out. I won't want tan lines! 

I can understand UnPorsche's enthusiasm for his new hobby...well, not really. I am not into guns, but a new hobby can be quite exciting. His whole weekend was spent shooting. Tonight he went shooting. And now he's not coming by tonight because he spent hours shooting. Never mind that I was expecting him hours ago. He said he'd come by, and I asked him when he thought he'd be done. He

I hate having him come over and be "let's go to bed."

He's been home for almost a week, and we've gone out for dinner and a movie. He's spent the rest of the time shooting guns.

I am mad. And when I get mad, I just want to shut people out. I want to tell him to take his guns and shove it. I'm not officially his girlfriend. He spends his nights here, leaves in the morning, and then comes back when he's done with his day of activities. Screw that!

And we're not really sleeping together. I told him that because of my bladder infection, I'd be out of commission for a month. I was joking, but still...I should be out of commission. His reaction? "Screw that. I am leaving in two weeks!" That made me MAD. I brushed it off.

And on top of that, Cute Butt Boy can screw off, too. He is all talk about talking. Right now, I'm pissed off enough that he can just forget he ever knew me!!

I want to go cry from frustration.

But I am on meds, and I have been cooped up all day, so I am in a funky mood. Thankfully, I will have some social interaction tomorrow and Wednesday (and not with UnPorsche!)!!

I've been so cooped up in my home. I don't really have the energy to leave. BWAHAHAHA

But the cold won. I even caved in and took some Contact C. I've slept like crazy, causing me to feel so out of it. My sleep schedule will definitely be out of whack.

What I want right now are some grilled cheese sandwiches, some sushi, and chocolate cake. Why couldn't someone bring these things to me?

Unfortunately, I can still taste the cranberry juice. Ugh. At least white cranberry is tastier. Maybe I will actually venture out to buy some sushi. I don't want to spend money either. BWAHAHAA

If I was granted 3 wishes from a genie, not only would I wish for more wishes, but I'd also wish for the power to conjure up food with the blink of an eye! Instead, all I have in my fridge are baked potatoes (and why do mine never end up with crispy skin?!) and ears of corn. I haven't had much protein lately. Maybe this is why I feel weak!

And you know, those Chunks Ahoy! triple chocolate cookies are not bad at all. They are too small, though!!!

I think I've just about beat this cold. I can smell, but my body feels like it's still fighting something. I also have a really itchy throat.

However, I have a freakin' bladder infection right now. *mad* 

Is there a nice way to tell someone you don't want to talk to them anymore because they no longer offer you anything?

It's easy to be direct in saying this kind of stuff, but holy geez...who'd want to be on the receiving end of it? 

Cute Butt Boy text messaged me tonight, and when I replied I mentioned that I wanted to talk to him about his last visit. He said he'd call me, and we just got off the phone. I'm just frustrated. I think I wanted the easy way out. I told him his visit shouldn't have happened, and I suggested we just not talking anymore.

Because what is the point? Am I too cold to think this? We were "buddies," and that was all. We never went out and did stuff, so I didn't consider us to have dated, and I didn't even consider him a friend.  I don't hate him or anything. We have a good time when we're together. Come to think of it, I usually turned down or missed opportunities when he did ask to do stuff.

I think what I wanted to hear was "yeah, there's no point anymore," but he said he had fun talking with me last night.

I hate having talks about next steps. I reminded him that he wanted to discuss things before, but that he did not follow through. He said "oooh, that's right." I guess he is content knowing me as an acquaintance, but I don't know if that's possible for me.

It's rare for a guy and girl to be just friends, but I don't think I could be friends with him, considering I would have wanted to date him if he wanted the same thing. And even though I know he's not suitable for me long-term, I guess I am somewhat wistful. It's this physical attraction and his fun factor.

And I have not brought up UnPorsche to him again. I would rather just leave that out. I don't want him to think less of me. I feel like I am not handling this situation very well.

It'd be nice if they could listen!

It's not even a mercury retrograde, but I've had all these exes pop up in the last month. It's wwweeeird. First, Big C, then the P Man, and now the Handyman.

The Handyman first emailed me about my complex because he had a friend interested in a couple of the units. But then he MSNed me (He's not on my list anymore), and was chatting me up about how I was doing. Once again, I am amazed at how great some people's memories are about me when I don't remember much about them. I think when someone exits my life, I forget a lot. People who are actually in my life are amazed how much I do remember about them!!

Anyway, the Handyman was asking me if I needed anything done at my place, and I told him I needed a couple of things hung up. He offered to come by to help me out, and then we could go grab a bite to eat. I asked him about his wife. I told him he could help me out, but that was it. We talked some more and he asked me when I had become so moral. *eyes roll* Anyhow, he was going to come by this morning, but he never did. I had also changed my mind about having him over at all but since I didn't have his number, I taped a note to the buzzer saying that I was not in. When I went later to see if the note was still there, it was. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with him.

Last night I was supposed to see a movie with Mr. National Geographic Shoes, but he bailed. He and his gf are on a break now, but he's not very enticing to me anymore. He is but he isn't.  Instead, I hung out with Poola who had just returned from her trip to China. She brought back some really nice knockoffs! While we were having dinner, Cute Butt Boy text messaged me and asked if I wanted to hang out since he was in Richmond.

I told him sure but no hanky panky. We never did talk again about the possibility of dating each other. It was really late by the time he came over. We went to bed, and he made breakfast. Why does he like eating burnt eggs?? I don't get it. I never say anything because he's nice enough to cook breakfast. I really think we should have had a talk. Now I feel like I did something wrong, like I led him on or something. Well, no. He is still not looking to me as a gf. So it's as if I never told him I couldn't sleep with him anymore. Like I am believable anymore. I think I am going to just have to tell him what should not have happened.

And I don't even feel guilty.

On some things, I am definitely an early adopter. A problem arises when improvements come about!!

My old dance studio is having a pole sale, and not only that -- they now have skinnier poles!!! It would be so nice if I could actually wrap my whole hand around my pole. It's tempting to see if they will buy a used pole and sell me a skinnier one. But the setup part would be such a pain in the ass. So I will just do nothing now. It's not like I do much dancing these days. I can't wait to go back to classes again.

I don't know if I am more observant, or if my boobs are just bigger these days, but I caught another guy staring at my boobs last night! (And it was not UnPorsche). I don't like this staring. Maybe I should go back to being more oblivious. And I want my old boob size back. I have never wished for big boobs.

I used to say long-distance relationships were good for me. Then I started thinking about The Drunken Brit. We hooked up while he was here, and then while he was gone, I'd call him from time to time (he never called me) and on MSN, there'd be a lot of small talk. Since I didn't feel like I was getting to know him better, I just figured we weren't dating anymore. But when he came back, he was all boyfriend-like. I can't just jump into things like that.

With Big Mouth, we did the long-distance thing for almost a year. We still saw each other weekly, and I thought we'd be still together if one of us was willing to move. But who knows...that was in the far past.

One thing I've always known about myself is that out of sight is out of mind. So with UnPorsche being out of town, I got used to him not being around, and I got really bored with chatting with him. By the time he was getting ready to come home, I was freaking out, hence needing to loosen up.

But seeing him last night was great. It felt really good to see him again, and it just felt so comfortable. I was relieved. I was *even* affectionate, and showing affection is really difficult for me. He asked if he could stay over. Reluctantly, I said yes. I didn't sleep that well last night. Poo. And when I jokingly asked him to scrub some dishes for me, he did it...and he took out my garbage. ?? *L* A keeper, right? Anyway, we'll see what happens. And the kissing was better. Thank goodness.

We went for some steak and saw X3. It was disappointing. It was just a lot of explosions and fighting. I saw Cute Butt Boy in one of the protest scenes. Spoilers coming up...

The Golden Gate Bridge thing was neat. What was the point of having that pigeon boy?

Jean Grey looked...weird. I didn't like her hair colour, but it was neat when her veins started showing. Why couldn't she kill herself? And why did she let Wolverine kill her? Why didn't he stab her with the "cure"? Why wasn't that bald kid brought to her? The ending past the credits was kind of lame. Didn't he look like dude in the video in the beginning of the movie?

I am nervous. Why can't I just loosen up??

At least I will see X3 tonight. 

I could really use a massage right now. I've been spending too much time at my computer at home lately, and my body is protesting.

This morning at the gym, I had to use two BOSUs at the same time. The Reporter lady was working out too. She asked me, "are you using both of them?" I told her yes, but she could work in with my sets. (The etiquette at my gym is HORRIBLE...even from the people who work there. People just use equipment that's lying around, and the mirror hogs are the worst! And why must people talk on their cell phones in the gym?)

Then she just replied, "I need to use them, and I am on a tight schedule!" Well, good for you, lady -- not my problem. I already told her in my fake-nice voice that she could just grab one of them whenever she needed it. That is what working in with me means.  Like I have all day to be at the gym either. She ended up asking someone working there to grab her another one. 

And she was a noisy one, too. She did sets of 20 reps. How did I know?? She counted OUT LOUD.

I've started eating lunch at work away from my desk. It's Mr. National Geographic Shoes' fault. I take too long. I must limit my lunches to one hour, unless I go out to eat. I guess he was serious about going out to eat once a week! We were going to go out tomorrow, but we changed our minds. He also asked about seeing The Breakup. Maybe his girlfriend will join us??

I need something fun...I think I've been going crazy!

EVERYONE HAS THEIR FIRSTS...

FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND: Poola

FIRST SCHOOL: Brighouse Pre-School

FIRST CELL PHONE: Some Motorola brick

FIRST FUNERAL: My paternal grandfather

FIRST PET: A rabbit? We only kept it for a week.

FIRST BIG TRIP: Hong Kong. I hated going there as a kid because of all the people and the crowds.

FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: Fred Savage

FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND: I don't remember. Maybe I was coerced into MySpace??

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS...

LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: I don't remember...probably a girl friend.

LAST CAR RIDE: The ride home from the supermarket.

LAST TIME YOU CRIED: Was probably last month watching Grey's Anatomy or something.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

LAST FOOD YOU ATE: Healthy Choice fudge bar. It was my first and it was soooo good. It was so creamy!

LAST ITEM BOUGHT: Milk and chicken thighs

LAST SHIRT WORN: The one I am wearing right now. It's a purpley pink t shirt from JigSaw. I wish it had no holes :(

LAST PHONE CALL: From my mom?

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: To Cute Butt Boy.

LAST KISS: 2+ weeks ago

LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: Aside from all the peripherals, the lights.

LAST FUNERAL: My paternal grandmother's.

LAST TIME AT THE MALL: This past weekend.

LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR SOMETHING: Today?

LAST PERSON YOU SAW: National Geographic Boy

LAST THING YOU DRANK: Water

LAST PERSON THAT BROKE YOUR HEART: The J Man

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY?: Honestly or deliriously? Last Thursday. It was a great workout.

Where did the weekend go? Yesterday was especially fast. I got up, did some cleaning, saw The Da Vinci Code, shopped for groceries, made lunches for the week, went to my mom's for dinner, and watched The Promise. I used a screwy tape to record So You Think You Can Dance! BOoooo.

I really liked The Da Vinci Code. I hadn't read any of the reviews, but I knew it got a lot of bad ones. I absolutely HATED the book. I thought it was a good story, but I hated the writing. HATED IT. It was like he was writing with movie in mind.

Went to an expansion pack get together Saturday night, which was nice. It was just nice to be in the company of people. But at the same time, I find people really annoying lately. I used to enjoy listening to people blab. Now I get impatient. I hate listening to people go on about stuff I know nothing about nor do I care to know. Maybe I can only tolerate my friends and family. 

My calves are killing me. I've never worked them out in the past, so I figured if they look okay now, working them out would make them look even better! But ouch. I am in pain.

What I like best about the cardio area in my gym is that there are 6 TVs set up, and I can watch any one that I want while I am working out. Hello, channel surfing! As courtesy, people who want to change the channel make sure none of the TVs are being watched. This one girl thought it was okay to change the channel even though this one lady said she thought this other lady was watching it. Anyhow, the girl changed the channel, but the suspected TV watcher didn't say anything. So the reporter lady said loudly to the suspected lady, "excuse me. Weren't you watching that TV?" Like geez...why can't people mind their own business? I think the suspected lady would have said something if someone changed her channel.

I don't understand why I find people so annoying lately. I really don't.

Yesterday while at the supermarket, I was lined in one of the express lanes. All the lineups were pretty long, so I just chose one. I seem to have the WORST luck on the planet when it comes to lineups. The person in line was having problems. Then the second person in line was having problems. The guy in front of me kept making noises of dissatisfaction. When it came to his turn, he exclaimed, "this is an EXPRESS lane?!" and then he threw down his points card. Why get mad at people who couldn't have prevented the problem?

And another annoying thing...I hate when people can't hand things over. Like that annoyed shopper. And at my gym. It happens at least 50% of the time. I go in, I hand the girl my membership card to scan, but usually, she doesn't hand it back to me. She puts it on the counter. Why?? I have my hand out, but the card never makes it to my hand.

I think I am really wound up, and I don't know why. I think I need some sort of stress reliever, and vegging is notworking. For this week, one horoscope says "The only dark cloud on your horizon is your growing need for freedom and independence in a partnership."  Is it??

UnPorsche comes home tomorrow. I always knew out of sight = out of mind for me. But we've still talked a lot while he's been gone. I didn't even miss him that much. I still find him irritating in some ways. My eyeballs get a good workout talking to him. Maybe I will feel differently when I see him. I am still scared. I think I am most scared that I won't like him and have to give him the boot. On the other hand, I just assume he is still into me. There is always the chance that he's not that into me anymore. 

Since I was swamped earlier today, Friday Find-Me got postponed, but it's still Friday where I am!

What were people searching for this week that led them to my blog? Let's see...

i am wearing pantyhose
I am not! That would be hot. And I don't mean like sexy hot. I mean sweltering hot.

long thick hair and boobs
I have both those things.

allintitle: making peanut butter
Like going Number 2?

jizzler
It's what I call Whistler Mountain here.

chopping my waist
I've heard of trimming a waistline but chopping it?!

clearcare in florida
What about ClearCare in Vancouver? I need some.

fraxel disappointing results
Really?? I guess I really won't get it, then.

don rumbles
Shaun tumbles?

phoebus wong
He is only out to take your money. Find someone else who actually cares about his clients!

long to pee woman
We can't help it. We can't just shake it.

getting ready to go skinny dipping party
Why not have a skinny dipping party instead?

kink in neck bad pillow
Yes! BAD PILLOW! BAD! BAD! BAD!

physical characteristics "sagittarius/caprico  rn cusp"
Horse-man goat. Just imagine one of those. Actually, I don't know about our physical characteristics, but Sagittarians have strong legs!

This week, most of my searches were for rosietulips. *eyes roll* 

Another half pound gained this week. I hope it was water. I think I don't like going out to eat more than once or twice a week. I usually go out once with my mom.

That's why I declined going out to dinner tonight, and now I am kind of bored. I went out for lunch today, and I'm glad I didn't go in vain. I made good food choices, but tacked on some fries. 

I'd like to say I'm not looking to make new friends. Good friends are hard to come by, and the ones I have are pretty darned good. I got all chummy for the temp to help out the interested co-worker. It was her last day, and I got roped into saying bye. And she was like, "hey, I don't even have your number yet!" Ugh.

However, the point of my story is that the coworker asked for the temp's email address. Before the lunch, she didn't even know who he was. She didn't know most of our names except for mine and that frickin' co-op.

That is the WORST co-op student my company has ever had. He's unprofessional (doesn't reply to emails or doesn't actually answer the question/request), and he has very poor social skills. He deliberately looks away and never makes eye contact; that's why I stare at him whenever we cross paths. And he think he's hot sh*t! Maybe his motorcycle makes him feel hot.

And he had the hots for the temp, too...which is how he wrangled his way into joining us for lunch. I  did not invite him. Nobody invited him. Being asked, "are you coming to lunch, too" is not an invite! Every day near the end of her day, he'd be hanging around at the front desk. A couple of times, she and I were talking, and he'd just stand off to the side, waiting for us to finish talking (like when you're waiting in line for some service somewhere). But he'd be listening to our conversation. Like ... go away...

Anyway, enough about the temp.

The P Man MSNed me today, and from his opening...I knew he had not grown up. I will just assume it, but I am usually right, anyway. "Hey gorgeous." And then he offered to take me out to lunch at the sushi place we had been to once. "I'm buying." I was kind of surprised he suggested the sushi place. I think the first time he ever had sushi was with me. But his speed of asking me out told me he hadn't changed.

I told him I had other lunch plans, and that getting together wouldn't be a good idea. How diplomatic of me. He said he understood. Who the hell knows. He was an asshole when we dated, and I took it because I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then he tried to be friends with me and was still an asshole. That's when I said, "if I am not going to take that behaviour from a boyfriend, why would I take that from anyone else?" So I cut him off. And I did it again today. It felt good. 

You know what would be really embarrassing?? I think I'd be quite horrified if Mr. National Geographic Shoes found my blog. It's not difficult. And even he called his shoes National Geographic shoes today.

Cute Butt Boy called tonight to ask if he could call me tomorrow to discuss things. He's always been pretty good with calling, which is nice. I wonder if he's thought anymore about things, and perhaps we will say good bye?! 

The P Man messaged me this morning. I met this guy 2 summers ago (I blogged about him extensively back then) and we went through a few rounds of dating. He was a jerk. And then his best friend came on to me. Nice ego boost, but those guys were whacked.

He told me he'd been thinking about me a lot lately. I asked him, "what about? How you were an asshole to me?" And he apologised. But I did manage to get in a few digs. He told me had grown up (like the last time we spoke. He hadn't changed in my opinion). Then he had to go, and asked if he could talk to me later.

Don't ask me why I didn't say no.

I just want to hear what he wants to say.