Graduation is tomorrow!! WOOHOO!

And then it's a week in Boston!!

WOOHOO SOME MORE!

A friend's negativity is really getting to me. It's been getting to me a lot, but I let myself stay in a friendship with him (and I allow myself to get annoyed). Maybe it's time for a break. I don't mean permanent. He can continue being the way he is, but I am going to choose to not be around it. There comes a time when you can let something go, but if you notice it happening a lot, then what's the point? I have passed the patience tests!

I made a cryptic Facebook status update, and he text messaged me asking me what it was about. When I told him I did 10 pullups, he messaged back saying "I thought you were ignoring me."

Like who turns a friend's good news into something about them? And whenever I ask him for cooking advice, he tends to put down whatever I am doing, or he doesn't want to answer.

The text messages he sends to me are usually about people who are annoying him at home and work any other places he goes to (supermarket, bus, Skytrain). One of his favourite things to say is "I hate people." And then he says nobody has time to hang out with him.

He's already told the universe that he hates people, so why in the world would people want to be around him? When I mentioned that, he said, "well, people are all coupled up..." I just roll my eyes and let him think of excuses for people. In my (humble) opinion, you can find a way to spend time with someone if you really want to.

Again, it's mind over matter.

I heard about energy vampires a while ago, and then I found this article today: http://www.craigharper.com.au... (it's an oldie but an applicable goodie!)

Last month when I started my seminar, one of my promises to myself was to be able to do 10 unassisted pullups in a row by May 30, 2009.

When I trained with my crazy trainer last summer/fall, I got up to 6...That took me 3 months. When I stopped seeing that trainer, I stopped doing pullups.

So at the beginning of April, I was able to do ONE pullup! I told my current trainer that I had this goal of doing 10 pullups in a row by the end of May. Her skepticism really pissed me off. "Hmm...that is going to be challenging." I think "that's exciting! You can totally do it!" would have been more helpful. I guess that tells me her ability to do pullups and her attitude towards herself.

My crazy trainer was ALWAYS encouraging and full of positivity. There were so many times when I said I couldn't do something that she just cut me off there. She ALWAYS believed in me. 

And my current trainer, despite me telling her what my goal was...never made a conscious effort to help me out during our weekly training sessions. We did pullups two or three times together. My trainer is knowledgeable and great at showing me different and challenging core exercises, but I think she is not a good fit for me anymore. I can't afford a trainer now anyway with the move and all!

Anyway, I did my 10 pullups today!! I DID IT!!! I did so much mental preparation last night and this morning that I truly believed I could do it and I was totally pumped to go and get them over with.

This last week was the hardest...I was making slow progress. I was increasing by 1/4 - 1/2 pullups every time I attempted them. Yesterday, I was at 9 pullups. I was worried that reaching 10 by tomorrow was going to be questionable (despite what my pendulum told me).

But now I've done them!!

I set out 3 goals at the beginning of my seminar and I met them all!!! I am so excited for graduation on Saturday!!

And then it's Boston for a week!!!

A coworker asked me how much I was paying for my new place. I tried to deflect the question by answering "too much." He asked again, so I repeated my answer and walked away. Who asks these kind of things?!

I've decided to not buy a yogurt maker because I already have the tools to make yogurt! I am going to use my thermal cooker. I just need to find the information about temperatures and the exact process. Thanks to tampi for giving me an introduction!

I really dislike working at home.

One of the best Facebook things I ever did was remove a bunch of people, including my ex' brother.

Good thing, too, because my ex finally signed up for Facebook. I had uploaded a class photo a loooong time ago, and almost everyone in the photo is on Facebook. I decided to do a search on the people who weren't tagged, and well -- there he was.

I'm debating whether I should throw out photos I have of my ex. Not that I look at them, but they're in a photo album or two. I'm not trying to hold on to our history, but I'm not sure if I want to throw away a piece of my history. Would it be better to throw them out?

Oooh, something to consult my pendulum on!

I didn't think packing was such a bad thing. But I guess the last time I moved, I didn't bring much with me. I have learned my lesson in being a pack rat! I already buy less because I think about its disposal.

Anyway, last night, I purged 6 boxes of old textbooks. I should have probably gotten rid of my tech writing textbooks too but I always think maybe one day they would be somewhat helpful! I already got rid of a lot of regular books a while back. Maybe I can pick out some more.

So far, I have 8 boxes packed and this is a quarter (?) of my non-essentials!!

Yesterday, I participated in putting on a yard sale. I brought sunscreen with me. But I didn`t use it.

I wore a T-shirt yesterday, and I also got sunburnt. I`m only a little sunburnt on the neck. But it was a high collared T-shirt. And then my arms....oh my arms...From the front, it looks like I got a bit of sun. From the side, I look burnt. From the rear, I am REALLY burnt!

I`m going to have these tan lines that won`t be gone for a long time (Mr. Nick joked they would last until December...actually there is a lot of truth to that joke...) I hate these kind of tan lines!!!!!!!!

I have strappy dresses to ear in the coming WEEKS!!!!

There are some new government regulations going on with credit card companies. I read the information this morning, and now I've forgotten a lot about it. Credit card companies can't raise limits without your consent now, and your statement needs to tell you how long it would take you to pay off your debt if you just made the minimum payments??

In this article I was reading, the people were blaming the credit card companies for their debt, which is the most ridiculous thing I have heard. "They raised my limit!" "I got a credit card when I was a student and I didn't know any better." HO-LY!

Do people who get credit cards not realise this is borrowed money they're spending and that at some point, they have to pay it back? If someone receives the option to spend more money, do they have to spend it all? Everyone makes their own choices. If you're not aware if what you're spending, you can't really blame the credit card companies for your debt.

I got my first credit card when I was 13. (Wow, that was almost 20 years ago!!) I've never carried over a balance. I have dipped into my line of credit so I don't get skyhigh interest tacked onto my balance though. But it's quite simple...if I don't think I will be able to pay off my credit card debt in a set amount of time, I do not charge it.

Mr. Nick and I were in his kitchen last night and he got distracted by something going on in the building across the way. The blinds were about 80% drawn.

There was a naked guy walking around in there and all you could see was his butt (white and nicely formed). And then he turned around! I would have tried to get a better look if Mr. Nick wasn't there. Eventually the guy put on some clothes and then lowered his blinds all the way. BWAHAHAHA

This morning I was feeling kind of down. I think I have been since Monday. And I think it's my community project or something that is making me sad. With this seminar I am participating in, there is a graduation ceremony. It was suggested we invite our loved ones. Well, everyone I asked (except for Mr. Nick), including my mom, said no. It was hard for me to ask in the first place, so I guess I should be proud of myself for even asking.

And then with our community project, we're raising money and food for the food bank, and we're doing a blood drive. I sent out an email to acquaintances and friends and family about this. I also put out something on Facebook. I got only only a handful of replies. It's fine if people don't want to donate or do anything, but even acknowledging what I was doing would be nice. But now that I think about it, do I really need people's acknowledgement? No, not really.

But getting support from people especially when I ask, would be nice. It just brings me back to this recurring thing in my life...the constant lack of support. My coach pointed out to me that it's hard for me to ask for support. I guess that is true. It is hard.

I've lived with my life having to be the only person I can count on so far, and I'm only starting to lean on others for support. I don't think I am even aware when I could or should be asking others for help.

Oh, and then this weekend...I got a really last minute invitation to a BBQ. The email arrived half an hour before it was scheduled to start. The host said someone told him my name was left off the original invite. At this point, why send an email? Why wouldn't someone just call me? Needless to say, I didn't read the email until much later that evening. It would not have made a difference to me if I wasn't invited at all.

But is this all related to what goes around comes around?

I canceled my membership, and I didn't even work out there once.

After thinking about it, the Gold's wouldn't work well for my workouts right now. They're not officially open yet so their hours are short, and they have no free weights.  And I did not like being duped by the sales guy!

I told him I wanted a trial pass. I told him I worked out with free weights. He  duped me into getting a current "great deal" and he wowed me by showing me machines after I told him I didn't use them. I told him I did little cardio as well but he got me to try some equipment. Their equipment is VERY nice...I'd love to work out with some cardio equipment and watch my podcasts. But I can't justify the cost, and especially for something that is not meeting all my needs.

I also need to cut off my trainer in order to save money. She has taught me a lot, which is why I want to keep seeing her. But at the same time, I'm not sure she is pushing me to be the athlete I could be -- despite me telling her what my goals are!

Mr. Nick and I went to a wedding yesterday. It was all very short and sweet. The newlyweds are such a nice couple, too -- very down-to-earth and lots of fun! I'm glad there was one person we didn't have to sit with for the reception though. She is a very nice girl and quite warm and friendly. The only thing is that she talks a lot...and seems to be an expert on evertyhing --well, mostly giving birth. However, she has no kids and has never given birth.

I could probably count the number of times I have been around this person, but she has talked about having kids a number of those times. She is definitely prepared to have them. In between the ceremoney and reception, a bunch of us went to grab a bite to eat. There, she asked one of the guys if his wife tore when she gave birth. "A lot of women tear and need stitches." And then she went on to talk about doulas and midwives but couldn't remember the word doula and wasn't sure of the difference. But she was adamant that she would have a midwife and a doctor when she gives birth. When I told her that the government only covered the cost of one or the other to assist with the birth, she disagreed and said "well, a midwife would cost only $2000". I kind of tuned out... I didn't want to hear more about giving birth.

At the restaurant she also asked me if I got my dress "back home" when I went to visit. I guess I still have issues around my cultural identity or something because comments are supposed to slide right off my back. I said, "pardon?" And she repeated her question. So I told her, "yes, I got my dress in Hong Kong." But it really bothers me when people think my "home" is Hong Kong. Thanks for your assumptions! What gives off the impression that I'm from somewhere else? Oh, right...it's my skin tone and hair colour. Nothing else about the way I look gives the indication of where I am from. But I do know that I don't dress like someone from Asia, and I don't wear my makeup that way either.

I was trapped for a little bit in the bathroom. The first time, I avoided the bathroom when I saw her go in, but this time, she went in after me. She talked about my dress some more and told me how she got an Asian dress many years ago and rambled on to me about how the sales woman told her she was too fat for the dress. And then she told me her shopping experience with this clerk 5 different ways. 

Another thing struck me that was odd. When her boyfriend left the restaurant to go set up the music for the reception, she said something about being confident enough that she would be okay with her boyfriend not being there that moment and with him leaving. If she was, did she have to say something about it?

There's a new Gold's Gym in my city, and I wanted to get a tour and see about getting a trial pass. How could I have forgotten that was my goal? Instead, I signed up for a 2 year membership. The only reason why I did was that the guy said I could cancel within 10 days and not be penalized.

Anyway, the gym is REALLY nice...REALLY REALLY nice. The issue is the price. I would be paying more than twice what I am paying now. What I am paying right now is DIRT CHEAP. My current gym is okay. The equipment isn't horrible. Their demographic are the women and mothers who just want to get in some fitness. They could use more strength equipment. Basically, what my current gym offers is just passable for my fitness goals. What keeps me going there is the price. That is it.

My new building will have a gym, too. I don't know what kind of equipment they will have but I am pretty sure it won't be the state of the art stuff like at Gold's. The Gold's is huge and has a lot of amenities...pro shop, sushi bar...infrared sauna...

I like my current gym because of the locations as well...

I guess if I think about it and use all the amenities at Gold's Gym, I will be getting my money's worth.

If I can find 2 other people to sign up within 10 days, we can all get the corporate rate, too. 

*sigh* I don't need a Gold's Gym membership, but my current gym is just barely passable in terms of service and equipment. In fact, my gym is now going to be closed on stat holidays! My current gym is also very close and convenient for me (both by my place and Mr. Nick's). Gold's will require a bit more traveling time, but their hours are a lot longer, too!

I will have to cancel one of the memberships -- but which one?

It's dangerous for me to peruse any retail websites carrying cooking gadgets!! Seriously! I'd love to get a yogurt maker and a nut grinder and a whole assortment of unnecessary cooking/baking/decorating utensils!!

There is a store here called Gourmet Warehouse that I have totally avoided. I hear it carries a lot of cool things for the kitchen. Many people have told me that I would probably like that store. I bet they are right. That's why I must not set foot in it!!!

I noticed two deposits into my bank account from Paypal for a total of 20 cents!! WOO! I'll take what I can get!

I hope those two transactions don't get reversed!

Edit: I totally forgot I made some changes to my Paypal account...Now I hope they don't take that money back out! Each transaction could cost me $1.00. Me paying $2 for 20 cents to go in and out of my account seems hardly worth it.

There's someone I see on my Facebook travels. I did request him to be a friend since we were friends (or so I thought) while we were in high school and we'd chat every time we ran into each other after that. Anyway, he did ignore my request and a message I sent him. He used to go to school with TV Baker too, and he sent her a message apologizing for the way he treated her in grade school, and that was it. She was baffled by that message.

But he was a really good friend of my ex-boyfriend in high school, so I heard stories about him. Like how he had a huge crush on this one girl (who already had a boyfriend), and he'd leave her flowers and left a message for her on her answering machine with a violin serenade.

But what I remember most about him was what he said to my ex..."I wonder what pussy tastes like."

When I go to my group meditation and hypnosis sessions, we always start and end the night by drawing a card from different tarot decks. Lately, I have been drawing a lot of cards about love. Why????  I need something more specific! Do I need to be more loving, will I become more loving, is more love coming my way, who loves me??

But I think it is neat that I draw cards with the same themes no matter what deck I am using. One day it was about psychic ability. Another day it was about being part of a team.

Last night I was looking at old mementos, and there were things from people I had no recollection of -- zilch...not a clue. And then there were things from people that brought up fond memories of. I wish I was still in touch with some of them. They brought me back to a place of happier times.

But then again, I am happy these days, too. This is happiness I haven't experienced in a really long time. Hurrah!

Sleep would make me very happy right now, too!

I just went to the bathroom to pee. It's usually no big deal, but I ended up crying! Bathrooms are a great place to think. I started thinking about my upcoming move, and how Mr. Nick won't be around for pretty much any of it. It's not a big deal that he's not help me with the moving part, but it's the part about him not being around as I move into a new home. He's doing a bike trip fundraiser one weekend and then he's planning on leaving for England pretty soon after that. Him going away doesn't bother me either.

But I started reflecting on my last move and how my dad was alive then. He helped me with a few things after I moved in, like putting in shelves, but he didn't help out otherwise. In fact, he had said he would help while I was moving but ultimately didn't. I ended up moving a 100 pound cabinet by myself. My father disappointed me a lot. If he said he was going to do something, I could pretty much count on the opposite.

And I have come to expect the same of Mr. Nick. I often feel like I cannot depend on him because he has often said he will do things and not. But this whole moving thing and realizing that he won't be here for it really reminded me of a time with my dad and my relationship with him. It's extremely upsetting to me.

I guess I finally experienced the tears that come from nowhere that my friends have said I would experience. Wow. 

Again, I am enlightened. But that doesn't really help me figure out anything else. BWAAHAHAHA

I never talked about my relationship with my dad in counseling, and how it might possibly affect my relationship with Mr. Nick. Is this something I should bring up? We're having our last session with her tomorrow.

Over the last month or two, people have commented on how white my teeth are. I wish I knew why my teeth have gotten whiter! I don't drink beverages that would stain my teeth. I pretty much drink only water. And I brush my teeth once a day. I do use a electric toothbrush, but I have been using this one for almost a year. Maybe that's the reason? I don't use any products to whiten my teeth either.

Anyway, last night, Mr. Nick helped me sort out my old computer stuff. I can't believe how much I had and stuff that I didn't use. (I also thought of another item to add to the pile). This is stuff off to be donated! It was about 10+ years' worth of computer stuff!! We threw out two bags of stuff, and whittled my stuff to keep down to about one box. I'm donating one box of stuff and 3 computer cases. Crazy!

But it felt really good to get rid of stuff!!

Hmm...Free Geek will also take video game consoles. I'm so tempted to throw in my Xbox, its accessories, and games. But I think I will donate it to the charity yard sale I am helping out with first.

Many years ago, all the rage was Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson. It gave ideas for you to do things so you have a happier life. I bought it and couldn't finish reading it. I thought the book was ridiculous. I thought the focus was way too much on other people. Seriously? Think about people to thank?! Ridiculous!

I had forgotten that book was on my shelf until a couple of days ago. One of my teammates asked me to bring him a book - any book, so I went perusing through my book shelf. Funny how I left it behind even though I had purged about 1/3 of my books from that shelf to the library. I started flipping through it and thought it was brilliant. The things the author suggests in the book is how I am trying to live my life now.

I feel so enlightened. I am ready to read that book now.

And today has been off to a great start. I have been walking around with a smile on my face. My workout was awesome. I realised my progress over the last month has been amazing, and I am still able to do things that I hadn't done in a long time (kneel on a ball without holding on to something). Also, I've gained much strength and my posture is better, too! I love being aware!

For the first time EVER, I see insects in my home!

I wonder if vacuuming would help. Vacuuming is important, but housework was something I decided to not do in order to lead a saner life.

Besides, it's hard to get around all my stuff with the vacuum these days. I can't wait to move! It's the only way to get away from the bugs!!

I'm kind of glad I'm not stuck in the middle of the whole stagette mess. When the bride brings it up with me, I almost pretend I know nothing, and I don't mention the drama. She knows though. Everyone else is letting it on!

So the latest thing is this...Bridezilla told the bride that she wanted to keep the event small to people who would have been in the wedding party. (That drives me nuts...these small stagettes.) Bridezilla said she would rather not have more people at dinner. The bride tried to explain that if Testosterone Girl was there, then other people who were closer to her should definitely also be present that night, even if only for a portion of the evening. The bride is getting upset about upsetting a) Bridezilla because she's organizing (Oh look, how nice...Bridezilla has taken over organizing the stagette. So much for TV Baker, the weasel!) and b) her other closer friends who are going to be excluded from the event.

Bridezilla suggested having another night out to include everyone else, and the bride said no because it'd be too over-the-top.

So anyway, to ..

... er...ahh...

There was a lot more ridiculous drama that ensued with people sending emails to the group and then to the bride and then to the group. Sick of it!

I'm not going to post about it anymore!

Voldemort has decided he doesn't want to rent my place. I am relieved! But now I am going to find a different tenant!

With a lot of time being focused on my seminar, I've not been able to stay at Mr. Nick's as often as I used to. It was a wonderful feeling hanging out with him last night and waking up next to him this morning.

Oh, we did have a blowup on the weekend. We were back to rehashing the same issues, and I realised the focus was turning to piddley details and forgetting the big picture. I had hung up on him and then called him on his work phone (since he turned off his phone). Then he hung up on me and turned off the work phone, too. So I drove over to his place. I was tired of the BS and felt like I needed to say something. I had no idea if he was going to tell me to leave or if I was going to grab my things.

But on the way there, I decided that I was tired of the moaning and groaning, and I was tired of allowing myself to feel like crap and blaming it on his actions. So I decided very clearly that I choose happiness. For the last while, I had been choosing unhappiness, and I really didn't have to. So I told him I was grateful he was in my life and that I was tired of arguing about the same stuff all the time and getting nowhere. I told him I just wanted to let go of the negative baggage and forget about it and start fresh. He said he was grateful that I was in his life and that he wanted happiness, too. Then I went home. Good thing, too, because I left the oven on. Something told me to not stay even though I would have, otherwise.

So, we are good. I am going to allow myself to experience happiness with this new outlook on our relationship.

Anyway, I forgot to pack underwear. I wore my emergency pair and then ...well...I had none left.

And roasted chickpeas are REALLY good!!

And it's not easy to let go of negativity that gets thrown your way.

I guess posting about it would be re-living it, so I don't really want to do that.

I just had a lengthy conversation with one of my team members. I feel a connection with him, and I admire his strength. He left his country and came to Canada to study. He left behind a life as he knew it. I couldn't imagine jetting off to a country where I knew nobody, knew nothing about the culture or the language to grow. I admire my parents for having done the same thing.

I am happy we met.

I slept like a brick last night. I could seriously sleep longer.

I had another full weekend with my seminar, and I have come out of that weekend in awe, with excitement, and feeling full of life! It wasn't an easy weekend. There were a lot of ups and downs and lots of release of negative energy and baggage. But holy crap. I feel like I've been reborn.

I want to keep working on my energy. Maybe one day I will coach one of these seminars. I would love to give back to what this seminar has given me. I have learned so much about myself, yet I can hardly express it.

So...my question is: what does it mean to be powerful?

I learned that it's a good idea to wipe your mouth after eating beets.

When I looked in the bathroom mirror, the corners of my mouth looked like they were bleeding.

At first I thought it had to do with my earlier allergic reaction...thank goodness I was all healed after wiping my mouth. BWAHAHA

My contract at work has been extended!

It's nice to know that I won't have to look for another job until the new year. I wonder if my contract is going to change. I hope not unless it means I get a raise :)