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| I like them uncut |
| 06.20.05 (9:09 am) [edit] |
|
Well, an embarrassing revelation came to light on the weekend. Just when you think something is one way, it's actually another. [This appears to be quite a long entry...time for subtitles!!] [u]Boot camp[/u] I felt exhausted all weekend. Boot camp is half way done, and all I do is feel more tired. :roll: I don't think I will do boot camp again. The best part of it all has been it just getting me to be active. The exercise portion is not the difficult part. [u]Upcoming events[/u] I am supposed to be in a pole dance challenge prelimary round this Sunday and I've done no practising. Maybe I should just drop out of it. I have no time to devote to it, and I have to pay, still. The finals are on the 28th. I start my photography course the 27th, in the evening... [u]Friday night and family[/u] Had a family dinner on Friday night that included two pairs of aunts and uncles, a cousin, my dad, and his friend. Of course my face was a topic of conversation. My dad's friend mentioned to me that she got really mad at the way my dad reacted to my not checking in her luggage for her when I went to Hong Kong. My dad probably felt bad about it, but of course he'd never tell me that. Once again, she told me to look out for my dad and that his depression is getting worse and that he can get really scary. Well, it's nice to know she sees how living with him can be. Sounds like he hasn't changed at all. He has a tendency to not let go of the past and is always keeping track of how people have wronged him. Then when he starts going off about one thing, he lists everything in order, which gets him even angrier. Sometimes he gets so mad, he threatens to hurt people or property. You know it's a good time to diffuse the situation in any way possible when his eyes bug out. But I am really tired of people telling me that I'm the only one that can really help him because I can't. He doesn't even want to help himself. "He cares only about you." I probably shouldn't give up on him but it's hard dealing with a brick wall that you have issues with. I was really relieved when the friend was here to keep my dad out of my hair, but she's leaving in a month. And she likes to point out that she will never see my dad again and that she's done all she can for him. :roll: [Saturday] Saturday was the 24 hour relay. I ran 4 miles in about an hour and a half (25+ minutes/2 miles with a 40 minute break in between). I've learned that consuming much before running is a baaaad idea. I already knew that, so I don't know why I had that protein shake. (I've discovered that putting a tbsp of my Omega 3 6 9 oil into my shake is a good way to have it!!). I also got my chocolate covered strawberries. It's like the more times I go to that store, the less I remember how to get there. :x I think I will have one more chance this summer. Soooo delicious!! They had these low carb/no sugar cranberry pistachio white chocolate thingees, too. And those were soooooo good. I am starting to drool thinking about them. We ate pizza on the balcony by ... lamp light, which was really nice :) [Sunday and almost heartbreak] It turned out to be quite a lazy day. No grocery shopping done, but I did get started on some laundry. It was nice to not have to wake up to an alarm clock, but I didn't want to sleep in too late for fear of not being able to sleep that evening. My fear turned out to be unwarranted because I was ready to pass out shortly after 11 last night, which I did. Perhaps it was somewhat of an exhausting day and that I hadn't eaten all that much. Having a good cry tires me out, too. I guess things with the J Man almost went kaput. Without going into all the details, we got into one of our things again where neither knew what was going on. Man, was he cold. Then I gathered up all my things and left. I could have said some stuff (nothing like telling him off, but what was going through my head) but I didn't feel anything was appropriate, and my mind was spinning with too many thoughts where none connected. While I was going down in the elevator, I realised I had forgotten my chocolate in the fridge, so I called him, and he said he'd bring them down. When I saw him, he was empty handed, so we both went back upstairs. And we talked. I'm not sure if anything was really resolved but I had that familiar feeling of comfort being around him. I'm not sure how to make things go more smoothly. I don't know how to be less complicated, and for the record, I don't think I'm complicated...*maybe* complex. I've been told I can be uncommunicative and closed. But I am willing to do as much as I can so things work. Lately, I have tried to take a step back and observe. Am I losing myself? I don't want to veer from being myself, and I wonder if I am doing that. I worry that I do or say something to make him feel more insecure. When I first met him, I felt confident that it'd be easy being with him, and then all these things came up that I never even noticed until he said something. I thought we were having a good time. What does he mean we argue a lot?! M was right when he said I think too much. And had I not forgotten my chocolate, I doubt I would have contacted him. I would have thought that's what he'd want considering the last time he told me to leave, he told me that that would've been it. So what's a second time? :( |
posted by: almsthvn (reply)
post date: 06.20.05 (9:30 am)
my ex-husband is manic-depressive and those who are saying you're the only one to help him are doing you and your dad a huge disservice. Good for you for not shouldering all the burden.
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 06.20.05 (10:14 am)
Unfortunately, my friend, you're right regarding your dad. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself...
Good luck with this...I know how tough it can be!!!
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 06.20.05 (10:18 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
Thanks :) I'm doing the best I can...thank goodness he has other people who care about him, too.
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 06.20.05 (10:19 am)
Reply to: jennjr
Thanks :)
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