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| You know |
| 06.24.05 (9:08 am) [edit] |
|
Yesterday was a really crappy day. I wasn't motivated to do any work, and then I had a Anyway, I am sure I got more tense as the evening wore on, and I am sure I embarrassed my dad in his mind. While I was driving home, the word I came to realise that I'd been thinking for him all this time was petty. So at dinner, he (like his usual self) made decisions for everyone, and it almost seemed like I took any opportunity to cut him down. I get frustrated eating with him. He doesn't make healthy food choices, and he doesn't understand when I don't want to eat what he likes to eat. He didn't like that I didn't want to take any of the leftovers (to the point where he wanted to retract his purchased gift of food to me). He accused me of liking fried food when I said that I don't. He said I chose the noodles when, in fact, he did. "What?! Am I the *only* person hear you say you wanted them?" So at one point in the evening, he tried to embarrass me. He kept pushing me to eat some pea sprouts, and I said I didn't want any and that they were also too tough. So he was all like "Nobody else has said they're tough. Anita [my cousin], do you find them tough? Ha ha ha." Um...yeah. (And with this new meal plans that I've been doing, it's difficult to eat a real Chinese dinner!!) And my dad's always been about power tripping. One of the managers working at the restaurant addressed him by his first name, which was bad. "How dare he call me George? Only my closest friends call me George. He should be calling me Inspector Tulips or Sir." :roll: I remember a long time ago how proud he was to ignore his co-worker's son when he said "hello, George." "Hmmph. He should be calling me Mr. Tulips." But one time, he was impressed when an ex of mine called him Mr. Tulips the first time they met. Of course, I had told this ex of mine ahead of time. After last night's dinner, a lot of my dad issues came flooding back to me. No wonder I'm so bummed out right now. Even a good bout of exercise this morning didn't help. :( I talked to the C Man last night. Maybe I will get together with him for a ride on his bike tonight. I was telling him about boot camp and how it's affected my daily life, i.e., how I feel like I barely have any time. He was like, "you need a live-in partner." Not sure if he was meaning a rommate, so I was like, "what do you mean?" "You need someone like a guy to help you out with these kind of things." [things like preparing meals] Doing something like that just seemed so foreign to me. "What? Even if I had a guy living with me, I'd still want to do things for myself." "You're going to be single forever." Then I started thinking about what he said, which got me thinking to what was subconsciously drilled into me while I was growing up. I have a real problem asking people for help. I feel weird (guilty?) when people do things for me. It's not that I don't appreciate it; maybe it's just that I don't know how to process what's going on. I often hear women end up being with guys like their dads. Sometimes I run from guys who seem anything like my dad. It's too easy picking apart the things that don't sit well with me. Maybe I will ponder about what positive influences he's had on my life but I'll do that later. |
posted by: Ryan (reply)
post date: 06.24.05 (9:22 am)
It's a real bother trying to figure out that Freudian stuff. :) Anyways, who you are is probably more important that what made you...
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 06.24.05 (10:07 am)
Reply to: Ryan
Who am I!??! *L*
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 06.24.05 (10:09 am)
You know, it's okay to let people help you sometimes.
I know it's empowering to do things yourself (I'm a bit of a control freak, so I like things done the way I want them done, when I want them done), but letting someone help you is actually beneficial. The person helping you feels good about themselves for having helped, and well, you get some extra breathing time. It's a tough thing to let go of. I know. But try it. Even if it's something really small.
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