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| Might as well post |
| 08.21.05 (10:30 pm) [edit] |
|
It's too late to call anyone, and here is as good a place to let it all out. I'm hungry. And kind of wired. My eyeballs hurt, and my face is going to be all dry in the morning, but oh well. Oh great...the tears are going to start again. Ever want to just tell someone to fuck the hell off and get the hell out of your life? I haven't felt this shitty about a breakup in a really long time. I just got home from the J Man's place, and we broke up tonight. I hate how hindsight is 20/20. Wasn't I just posting about his lack of concern? I should give myself more credit sometimes. He was getting less and less into me, and I just ignored it. I could see in how he treated me and how he talked about me to his mom. All along I knew he was unsure of things, but I liked him so much that I kind of brushed off that unsettled feeling. I hadn't really felt anything for anyone in a really long time, and I guess this time I even let myself feel a little -- which is why I am finding this so painful. I am feeling hurt and angry. One thing that I've relearned about a guy's interest level is whether they'll pay for stuff. *sigh* I'll try not to be too long-winded...we were at his place tonight and got talking. Maybe all along he was waiting for me to say something to get this final ball rolling because I finally said, "maybe things just aren't going to work out, J Man." He brought up something else which was just a point of one of our usual issues, and I was just tired of it all. He said he liked being with me but his ego couldn't handle it. I always felt like I had to be careful of everything I said and how I said things because I'd always hurt his feelings. And I felt he was listening to his friends too much. One of the stupidest things to me was that his friends were reading this blog. And then they'd talk to him about it, but they'd never comment here or anything like that. In fact, this is what the J Man had to say about tonight at his blog: [Rosie] and I had a talk tonight, it was a calm talk, no screaming, no yelling. After the talk, she got up, took all her stuff and left. I know all of you think that this is way overdue, and I guess you were all right." Reading that was painful because it was like there was some self-fulfilling prophecy he lived up to, or that he was listening to his friends too much. (But then again, real friends tend to be on to something, so it's probably just the anger talking.) My friends had been encouraging for the most part aside from "he sure is sensitive." They did share their doubts with me. I did ignore a lot of the more negative things others said because I was enjoying my time with the J Man. And the J Man and I didn't really have a discussion tonight, since he called it "a talk." I was too frustrated to say everything/anything that was on my mind. I guess the breakup is for the best when one person out of the two has a really bleak outlook on the relationship. I felt his pessimistic attitude wore down my optimism. His uncertainty made me uncertain. *sigh* I don't know what else to say. I was too upset to say much when I left his place. The last thing I heard him say was, "so this is it?" I think I said in my head, "yeah, fucker...what did you think? Should we blow off some fireworks? You want me to stay and convince you that staying together is a great idea like the time I was supposed to not let you get on the bus after we had an argument?" ^^^ I had already said I was angry... :wink: But yeah, I do wish things with the J Man had a different outcome, but some things were just not in my power. We had great chemistry, and being physically together felt really good. Like all exes, I have no desire to have him in my life in any way now. I hope this means his friends will stop reading my blog. And this also means I can write freely again :) Oh crap, I just realised I left my vitamins behind. |
posted by: Sillygrrl3 (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (8:54 am)
I am so sorry Rosie. I understand the wrestling that happens when you allow feelings for someone and then have to deal with their not being returned anymore. It is confusing and it does hurt.
Susan has a lot of very smart stuff to say about this and love and feelings, so I would recommend her blog.
My thoughtsa re with you!
Kara
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (9:02 am)
Reply to: Sillygrrl3
Thank you, Kara! {{hugs}}
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (10:00 am)
Oh MAN that sucks! I know you liked him.
I wish there was some simple thing I could say to make it easier for you, but it takes time. I have a feeling you'll pull through it with flying colors, though!
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (10:16 am)
Reply to: jennjr
*L* Thanks, and yeah...I did like him a lot. You know what they say though -- everything happens for a reason. I will be okay.
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (11:04 am)
Reply to: rosietulips
I'm glad to hear you say that. :)
You ARE right. Everything DOES happen for a reason. It may take a little while to see the reason (which sucks) but as long as you believe that, you'll be so much better off!
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 08.22.05 (12:49 pm)
Reply to: jennjr
Well, I know dating him was just a reiteration that I need a guy who has self-confidence. Now I just have a few things left to retrieve from him (tonight).
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 08.23.05 (2:42 am)
Reply to: rosietulips
Oh, I hope that went well!
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 08.23.05 (4:41 am)
Reply to: jennjr
Getting the rest of my stuff back from my ex went as well as possible, I guess. It was just sad to see him again. :(
posted by: princessapricot (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (9:09 am)
Oh sweet pee - here's some kleenex and a shoulder to hit...just be gentle, you work out!
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 08.24.05 (9:48 am)
Reply to: princessapricot
*L* thanks...I am so out of shape right now that you have nothing to worry about. Your shoulder wouldn't even bruise!
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