Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2008 October
2008 September
2008 August
2008 July
2008 June
2008 May
2008 April
2008 March
2008 February
2008 January
2007 December
2007 November
2007 October
2007 September
2007 August
2007 July
2007 June
2007 May
2007 April
2007 March
2007 February
2007 January
2006 December
2006 November
2006 October
2006 September
2006 August
2006 July
2006 June
2006 May
2006 April
2006 March
2006 February
2006 January
2005 December
2005 November
2005 October
2005 September
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2005 January
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
2004 January
2003 December
2003 November
My Links
My Photoblog
100 Things About me
My flickr stuff
Are you here?
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
| ++Some reflection |
| 08.28.05 (2:17 pm) [edit] |
|
Enough time has passed that my time with the J Man almost seems surreal. I still think about him and our time together, and I wonder how he is doing. All week, I made sure to not drop by his blog even though I knew he had come by here, as well as his friend. I didn't really like that fact, but their visits were just painful reminders. It is a lot easier now. Maybe I will stop reflecting so much if I can just purge my thoughts to text since I could not really say much of this stuff while he and I were dating. So here goes some verbal diarrhea... When I talked of my challenges to my friends, they just knew I cared for him a lot (I can honestly say that I even loved him) because the challenges were great, and that I put in a lot of effort. I think the greatest challenge was dealing with his insecurities. I have to admit I don't have a lot of patience or knowledge on how to help people who think really low-ly of themselves. How do you convince someone to like himself? The J Man was great in the way that he had a good head on his shoulders, and he was just an all-round nice guy. But he didn't seem like someone who liked himself. Every photo he saw of himself was "horrible." He even named himself "yucky" in one of his pics. He thought he was too flabby. He didn't like that his hair is thinning or that he had other body hair. He didn't want me touching his cheeks because he didn't like them. He despised having his photos taken. I think I'm quite average in agreeing on levels of attractiveness, and I just didn't think he is as unattractive as he thinks he is. And he could never tell me why he disliked himself physically. He set himself up for failure and he was such a pessimist. "Did I grab the wrong towel? Yeah, I knew I would." He constantly thought he was doing something wrong. Maybe he tried to do things which he thought would please me most, I don't know. But I think you should try to please yourself first. I noticed in group interactions if someone found what he said to be funny, he'd say the thing again but in different ways. Maybe that was the Leo in him :lol: Leos love attention, but hey, so do I :wink: My greatest challenge was to not hurt his feelings, and they seemed easily hurt :shock:. I had to be aware of what I said (not that difficult), my body language (sort of difficult), and my tone of voice (difficult). If there was no constant physical contact, he'd think something was wrong. Not holding hands in public? Forget it. I couldn't change the radio station in the car if it was a song he explicitly said he liked, or he would think I changed it on purpose to take away his joy. Just little things like that. And he'd get really mad if he'd take photos of me with his camera and I'd be uncooperative. I just didn't see why I couldn't be the same way he was. I don't really know what he said about me to his friends, but from comments at his blog, I'm sure the picture wasn't very pleasant (there was some naming calling and advice to dump me) :lol: And I didn't get the impression he wanted them to think I was a pleasant person. There was an entry he made about our shopping trip. It badmouthed me quite a bit, and I had typed a response to which he never made public nor responded to. "Why would I? It's my blog about my thoughts." For me, I am interested in getting out some truth. Actually, he did not focus a lot on the positive in a public forum. I, of course, have no idea what he told them in private. I can just imagine them reinforcing that he was a good person by cutting me down "oh poor J Man; you are too good for that superbitch." The friends who'd seen us together were really surprised to hear it when I told them he and I broke up. "You two seemed so happy/into each other!" The other friends who didn't see us together and heard my venting were like, "I could see it coming." So, there will always be three sides to our story: his, mine and reality. I hope he finds happiness within himself. |
| 0 Comments |
www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from RosieTulips. Make your own badge here.