It's all part of the Saturn Return. I'm trying to make positive changes in terms of relationships in my life. I think I've finally lost patience for men and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I am ready to be a hardass about who stays and who remains outside my life.

I saw Cute Butt Boy last night. I didn't really want to. I did some more thinking after his hypothetical question. I started thinking about how I actually wouldn't want to date him, which made me ask myself "then why am I still involved with him??" So I was feeling rather conflicted this week.

We became "buddies" because at the time we met, he said he didn't want to be in a serious relationship. Maybe I told myself I could handle it. I settled. And I have handled it. I'm not emotionally attached (or am I?); I don't feel anything for him. I've turned into the perfect "buddy." I don't ask anything of him. I don't call him. I don't make any demands. I keep him at arms length.

But had he wanted something when we met, I'm not sure what would have ultimately happened.

The more time I spent with him last night, the more conflicted I felt (I also kept thinking about UnPorsche). No wonder I didn't sleep well last night. I jokingly told him I didn't want to get it on, and he was like, "then what are you doing here?" And I also brought up his hypothetical question. I told him it kind of pissed me off, and that I felt like he'd date me since no one else was available. (He said that wasn't the case and that he does want something more serious. He wants to be thinking about one woman only.)

On the contrary though, he is sort of dating someone, which made me not want to be there even more. I felt like I'd be a barrier to him and his girl. But at the same time, I wondered "what about me? I'm good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date." That part makes me angry.

We haven't dated. That is what I wanted when we first met. I guess this is the part of me that I don't really realise but am only starting to -- I have this natural tendency to not make people feel wanted. I have a hard time being soft. I put up these barriers; they're like tests to see who is capable of breaking down these barriers and who would actually make the effort.

At this rate, I'll never end up letting someone get close to me. I guess I have this strong fear of rejection or abandonment. I have no idea where it came from. The only advice I've received is to not be afraid to show some vulnerability. I don't even know how (aside from blogging, I guess...)

But back to Cute Butt Boy. He's been dating this girl for about a month and a half, and they haven't slept together. To me, it just says he really likes her.

I really have to stop seeing him.

I know the sick part of me likes the challenge bit. "Let's see if I can get him to really like me." And if I was to stop seeing him, that'd be like giving up. Which is dumb. I want him to be happy.

I want me to be happy.