UnPorsche just offered to go home, and I let him. I was upset, but I didn't want to say why. I was afraid I'd say something hurtful.

This post might have more information that anyone would care to know, especially what is going on  in my sack. So, be warned...stop reading if you're not interested. 

One of my biggest fears in a relationship is bad sex. I've had so much of it that I've grown fearful. Maybe bad sex is not the correct term, but I've had waaay too many selfish lovers. And I don't want another one. I have a feeling UnPorsche may be one. Either that or he's inexperienced, but  I don't think he is completely inexperienced.

What would I like to say to him? "Do you think a little kissing is enough foreplay? What are we? In high school? Wait a sec, even then it was hotter." But I wouldn't. I have stopped myself short a couple of times. I've ended up saying, "I just can't..." and then I stop. I think he thinks I mean that I can't sleep with him, but what I would have said was, "I just can't go from nothing to sticking it in."

I'm not sure what I want to say to him, but I need to tell him what is on my mind. The nice way would be, "I'm concerned that my sexual needs won't be met." That's the proper way, right? When you want to accuse someone of something without being direct?!

But it worries me that he doesn't seem to have much regard for me. I have a bladder infection and a cold, yet he still wants to get it on. I guess wanting it is not such a bad thing, but pushing is a little...much. And tonight, I don't know what he was trying to do, but after a bit of kissing, he said something about "getting it going," as in his dick. It doesn't work for me that way. And a bit of him on top of me kissing, and he says, "okay, your turn," as in "you get on top of me now." How unnatural is that?! 

And the other night -- I guess it was Sunday, after I got my antibiotics for my bladder infection, I jokingly said to him I wouldn't be able to have sex for a month. His response was, "fuck that! I leave in 2 weeks!" He may have been joking but not completely.  

So...I think I have reason to be worried. But talking about it does not appeal to me. I don't know if I can even collect my thoughts on this one. I can't let these thoughts out like a log; they tend to come out like diarrhea.

What kills me is that I can be getting laid and by people who find me desirable. Sometimes I wonder if things are difficult already, then what am I up for? I guess I am also insecure. Like what is going on with me and UnPorsche? It's like we skipped over the courting part. I am kind of bored. Does he even like me, or is he comfortable with this routine?! It's too soon for routine. Maybe he's not into me.