I mean truly forgive...Someone can apologise to me, and I will accept their verbal apology, but sometimes I still feel miffed. And I want to move past something, but on occasion, it takes time. Sometimes, it takes a long time. I don't feel good about that.

On the weekend, I was really upset about a couple of things, related to Mr. Nick. We talked about it, and for a moment, all was good again. But the issues are still on my mind, and I don't feel like I've really let go. It's not like I want to take revenge and hurt him. I just want to feel okay.

The first thing 

This weekend, we went to his parents' cabin in the mountains. He's been going there almost every weekend (without me, of course) since the ski season started. That's fine and all, but what I wasn't fine with was that he never, ever asked me once if I wanted to go. I know he figured I wasn't a downhill skier and had no interest in going. But I was still hurt he never asked me. And to top it off, everyone (okay, his friends and mine) kept asking me, "has he taken you there yet?" or they'd be surprised that he hadn't. One time, I said right in front of him, "I've never been invited," and he said, "you haven't?" and brushed it off. Finally, when I was mad enough, I asked him why he never invited me. He told me I figured I wouldn't want to go (despite I talk about the times I've ever gone to the mountains and talk about the things I have enjoyed doing there), so he never asked.

I know it's not his duty to take me, etc., etc., but it would be nice to be asked anyway. How can I not take it personally when I feel excluded? And when we got there, his friend was like, "you've never been here before?" (Is it weird that the "I love you"s came before going to the cabin?). I think it was after that comment that I realised how upset I really was. All along I just tried to brush it off and remind myself, he's going there to ski, and he'd invite me eventually. I also told myself that he's there to downhill ski, and I don't do that. However, this resort has great shopping, spas, and there are other snow sports to do there that I would totally do.

I was also a little choked that he invited another couple to go with us, considering it was our first time going there together. Nothing personal against the other couple -- they were fun -- but I don't know.

I didn't thank him for inviting me because I feel like I forced him to do it, but I did thank him for taking me. 

The second thing

I was going to blog about this after we came back from California, but I didn't feel like it. Mr. Nick and I spent the day at Disneyland with my friends who are also a couple. I felt completely ignored that day by Mr. Nick because he only talked to them, or if I said something to him, he'd ignore what I said and start talking to my friends. I was getting quite angry but I never said anything because I thought I was being overly sensitive due to PMS. I had my back turned to him the whole time we were in line for one of the rides, and I don't think he even noticed.

I wasn't PMSing this weekend, and I noticed the same thing happening with this couple.  Mr. Nick would only talk to them, or ignore whatever I directly said to him, and start talking to them right away (literally).

I'm not sure why he does this because I don't notice this in big groups. Was there something he was trying to prove? I don't think he even does it on purpose. (However, when I pointed out this behaviour to him, he said he noticed and tried to correct it at the time.)

The resolution 

By the time we went to bed, I was barely speaking to him. I couldn't even look at him. Even though I wanted him to know how I felt, I didn't want to talk about it. I was tired. But I couldn't sleep either. I left the room a few times, and I tossed and turned. Finally, in his half-asleep state, I told him how I felt. He apologised, and I said, "okay." 

I was still a little pissy the morning after, and probably a lot of yesterday. Obviously, all this stuff is still on my mind. I don't know why. I guess I will talk to him again about this, but I don't want to talk about it ever again (since I expect the second thing to never happen again). Why am I still upset? I know he is not trying to purposely hurt me, but I guess I was still hurt enough.

When we had our talk, he told me he loved me and that I meant a lot to him. But for some reason, I wasn't feeling it. (Was he saying it because he felt bad??) Sometimes I wonder if getting to the "I love you" part was the thrill of the challenge for me...like how I used to feel content if a guy I'd been chasing finally liked me and then I'd lose interest.

I think Mr. Nick is a great guy, and I'm not going to dump him or anything. I am guessing my general feeling is just the natural flow of a relationship, ebbing and flowing. 

Which brings me to another possible situation I could easily get out of. I chatted with Cute Butt Boy last week. He suggested I give him a shout if I was ever in his neighbourhood, or he'd give me a call if he was ever in mine. I am not usually in his hood though *L* and the next time he's going to be in mine is when he goes to the airport for his trip to Japan. If we ever saw each other again, it would be totally innocent, but I'd still feel guilty. I know Mr. Nick wouldn't cheer me on to getting together with someone I was "buddies" with. But since I am feeling a little mad, at this point in time, I would see Cute Butt Boy.

I feel so childish. BWAHAHAHA

And I would never hide getting together with him either. If I get through another month or so of not seeing Cute Butt Boy, I can't imagine ever seeing him again. I don't miss him like I used to, thank goodness. I don't even think about him.