This morning, I was asked if I work out because of my calves. I never target my calves in my workouts. I guess I am lucky. But sometimes they remind me of turkey drumsticks.

Last night Mr. Nick and I got talking. I brought up some of things that have been bothering me. Of course there is nothing concrete; I've just had this overall feeling of sadness and insecurity. (Actually, when my cousin asked me what I was insecure about, I couldn't answer that either.) For some reason, over time, I felt like Mr. Nick wasn't telling me the whole truth regarding his last girlfriend. We cleared some of that stuff up last night.

But I felt worse from the talk. I knew that my attitude and thoughts that I was keeping to myself was not healthy for our relationship.

Mr. Nick's felt that I've been very "negative" lately...partially with me telling him that we break up in my dreams. (Over the last 2 weeks, I dreamed 3 times that we broke up. I don't know why these dreams have come up. But usually in the dreams, there is also me feeling rejected. Both of us have done the breaking up in my dreams.) And I guess I just make subtle (or not so subtle) remarks about us having a bleak future.

I still don't know if I am good at commitment. I've been in relationships before that have lasted for years, but I tend to end things when I don't like them without giving too much time to attempt to change things. I told him I wasn't sure if I could deal with his Crohn's, and it's not even terminal.

With his Crohn's he's tired a lot...and this tiredness leaves him with less energy to get out and do things or to *ah-hem* get intimate. My last long-term relationship was almost sexless, and I refuse to be in a situation like that ever again. Not only did I feel unattractive, but I got resentful. I can't remember now, but I think I eventually cheated on him. And when I dated the tall J Man, we sat around a lot watching TV and he never wanted to go anywhere. I disliked that, too, but I really liked him. But Mr. Nick is definitely not like the tall J Man. I think the sex thing is the biggest hurdle for me.

But even bigger is that I haven't been able to empathise with Mr. Nick and his illness, and for that I feel like a truly awful girlfriend. He said I haven't been supportive enough, and that I do not understand that if he says he is tired, he really needs his rest. He really hit it home when he said, "I haven't been eating. I haven't been eating well. If this keeps up, I will be in the hospital by December." *teary*

So I do feel somewhat selfish, and I do want to there for him with his illness. I don't know if I can deal with it, and I don't know if I have that worldliness. He asked me what I wanted for us, and I told him longevity. He said he wanted that, too (and good times *L*).

Maybe the talk was what I needed to get me out of the funk, but the talk still caused me distress rather than comfort.