Looking at food and recipe blogs are starting to perk me up a little again. I just haven't felt like doing much more than just getting through day-to-day activities.

Last night, Mr. Nick and I broke up for a few hours. We've both been really stressed out lately, and he did something (which I am sure I will forget one day when I think back to yesterday) that just pissed me off. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back, so I dumped him -- via text messaging. I told him we were done and that I was going to pick up my things last night.

Of course he got mad that I dumped him over text message and it seemed like for no good reason. He told me not to go to his place and that he'd bring my stuff to my mom's work, and I could leave his stuff there. I told him I was going over there, and as if I'd want to get my mom involved!! When I got there, my stuff was all packed and waiting for me.

Then we talked, and we are still together.

I am fairly wrapped up in myself right now, grieving over my father and trying to take care of his estate. There is little support from my family because nobody is around, and I absolutely cannot count on my mother. In fact, she just makes things more difficult for me because she has little support for my decisions. It's hard for me to be motivated sometimes, especially to make effort to be around people. Being around people is probably something good for me right now, but I often just shut everyone out.

Mr. Nick has been great as he can be, but he is going through a tough time, too. His Crohn's has gotten so bad that he is pain all the time. Unfortunately for those who want to be there for him, he's made it difficult. He makes his situation out to be better than it is, like a hundred times over. He finally admitted that he is just barely hanging on. He's on an incredible amount of drugs that don't seem to be effective right now, and his next and only option is surgery. Of course that scares him. The last time he had this surgery, he said it was a really dark time for him, and he nearly died because of it.

So, for him...being a "regular" boyfriend right now is really hard, and I've been treating him as if he was totally fine. I hope I got across to him in our talk that I need him to tell me what he needs from me to support him. I was getting really mad at him for not being active or helping me plan things to do together. I thought he was just being forgetful or didn't want care. In a sense he doesn't care because getting through today is hard enough -- never mind having to think about what social outing we're going to participate in a month or even a week from now.

So I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do...hang out with him at home (rest is what he really needs...just being at home all the time to not do much), leave him alone, do more things for him (dishes, food shopping...these kind of things just seem so daunting for him), make plans for us, or what? Should I be asking less and just taking charge? I don't want to take over his life. I just want to help. :-/