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| Light Cavalry |
| 02.28.05 (9:32 pm) [edit] |
|
That's what I'm listening to right now. This song brings me back to my youth...back in those Band days in high school :lol: Life back then ... hmm...not sure what to say about it. I complained a lot about my dad in my journal. What I did not like about him back then still holds true today. I haven't seen him since December, excluding this evening. Sometimes I think my relationship with my father has really screwed me up for having a healthy relationship with a man. Is it fair to think this way? I trust him as far as I can throw him. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my father, and I never felt like I really mattered. Anyway, that's not the point of this post. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard as tonight. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating. Anyway, to bring you up to speed...Like I said, I hadn't seen my father since December. Then his "friend" was staying with him for a couple of months, and they went away. Then I went to Hong Kong, and when I returned, I had a hell of a time trying to figure out if he was alive and well or not. I was very mad that he did not tell me he was leaving town and those sort of pertinent details. And I was just as mad that he did not give me his new cell phone number. While I was in Hong Kong, I bought him a little something. I pretty much had to or I wouldn't hear the end of it. Finally today, I had a chance to drop it off for him. When I finished up at the gym tonight, I called my dad to ask him if he was busy right now because I had something for him. He sounded more chipper than the last time I spoke to him, and I thought it'd be okay to see him. The first time I spoke to him after he returned, I did ream him out for not telling me he was leaving town. His excuse was that I was out of town, and there was no way to tell me :roll: So when I was at his place, he asked me how my trip to Hong Kong was. Then he started asking about my mom's relatives and where everyone was staying, etc. None of his business. And he did not even ask about my visit with his sister! [And as for the gift...he said, "I could buy those for myself here."] And then it went back to the luggage thing. [He had wanted me to check in a piece of luggage for his "friend." I ultimately declined.] He kept questioning me WHY I could not take it because to him, it wouldn't have been a big deal. And it wasn't too much to ask for since she had given me an expensive scarf. :roll: At this point, I got pissed off, and said, "you're still mad at that??" And then I said I was going to go, and I left. After I got home and showered, my dad called me. I didn't want to talk to him, so I didn't pick up. He actually left a message, and told me to call him back when I had time. I knew I was going to get an earful, so I called him back pretty soon after. I figured I'd get it out of the way before 24 came on. So...he started off by saying that he wasn't mad about me not taking the luggage, but that I was an ungrateful person. Then he started to list all the ways that I was ungrateful [My dad is very good at dragging up past events...all events that have wronged him. Every time I think a guy is giving me excuses for his behaviour, I get *very* angry. Usually I think they should should own up to whatever they did. ]. So here are a select number from the phone call: 1. I did not take his "friend's" luggage. [We never made any arrangements after I told him I did not need a ride to the airport. So what did he expect me to do? Beg to take some stranger's luggage? And have no idea what the contents were? Yeah, that's smart.] 2. I did not drive him to the airport one morning because I felt it was too early. [And when I reminded him that he did the same thing to me before but did not give me notice...he got mad...and accused me of getting back at him. I told him right off that I would not drive him to the airport. In my case, he had called me the night before and told me to take a cab to the bus depot and that he would give me cab fare. Not only did he not give me jack, but maybe I could have asked someone else for a ride with more notice.] 3. I did not participate in my parent's arguments when they were fighting all the time, thus showing that I did not care about the family. [What parent in their right mind would want their kid to join in the arguing? By me saying anything, I would have had to pick sides. No thanks. And I'm not sure how I would've been able to help their problems? Did he really want to hear me say that my mom should've dumped his sorry ass the first time he cheated?] 4. My aunts, who gave me money when I was younger...I don't show any appreciation for what they did for me. "You don't even call Aunt #2," and he wouldn't believe me when I said I called her for Chinese New Year. "Well, you don't give her money, do you!" As for the other aunt, she doesn't want my money, but I did see her when I was in Hong Kong. 5. I haven't fixed the old computer that I have given him. 6. I never call him. Now, *this* is where I got really mad. With all his other points, I was already yelling. It's taken the phone for me to get the courage to speak my mind to my dad. He raised me to be spoken to before speaking. I still have that habit with people who are older than I am. So I completely lashed out at him...asked him if he even thought of me as his daughter....brought up his disappearance and the lack of information he's given me. I told him relationships were a two-way thing. He actually called me "ridiculous" when I said, 'why do I have to be the one call you all the time? Why can't you call?" "Why should I have to call?" Even when we were all living in the same house, my dad and I never spent any time together. Our time spent together was during dinner and maybe going out to eat on the weekends. We've never hung out, and to go from that to making an effort to see him is a lot for me. He does regret that he did not spend much time with me growing up because now he feels he did a poor job with me knowing how to be grateful and respectful. So after I moved out on my own, I did call him at least once a week, and we saw each other for lunch once a week SINCE I WAS THE ONE ASKING. But even that wasn't good enough. "Heh, that's all you know how to do...ask me out for lunch. What else do you do?" So, I've given up on having a relationship with my father. It was always the way I wanted it. I always fantasized about how I would treat my dad when I wasn't dependent on him. I envisioned never having to see him, but I'd send him money. I am very thankful for his contributions to my higher learning and other luxuries. But all I ever wanted from him was a sign that he was interested in getting to know me as a person. When I see him as a person, I don't really like him. I don't like how he views women, gays, and non-Chinese people. One of my most embarrassing moments involving my father wass hearing from a coworker who knew him from her past job was that he was a pervert. After some more yelling on the phone, we pretty much agreed we wouldn't see eye to eye on things that were said, and that we had nothing else to say to each other. After I hung up, I felt relief that I gave him a piece of my mind. Then the flood gates opened. :shock: I sobbed, and then I called my mom and sobbed some more. I told her everything. Then she called my dad and then called me back. She asked me if my dad called me again. Thankfully, he did not. I do not wish to speak with him for a long time. Trying to make a relationship work with him is too much for me right now. I feel a little guilty about that, but seriously, he puts out all these obstacles and hoops for me to jump through as if I have to prove to him that I am worthy of him. And even more unfortunately, I think I do something similar to guys who want to get close to me. And seeing him was always a downer...complaining how his life sucks and how my mother wronged him...and how he doesn't have that many years to live. It was painful to see him so listless. My mom waffles between suggesting that I just ignore him for now and suggesting ways for me to get close with him. "Why don't you invite him over for dinner?? Old habits die hard for dear ol' Mom...so eager to please. *sigh* OH great. I'm going to have hella puffy eyes tomorrow. Time for some cereal, and maybe some TV time. |
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 03.01.05 (9:23 am)
That sounds really hard. I hope your father will realize what a wonderful woman you are and make an effort to have a good relationship with you. But if he doesnt, it only says something about him. You are wonderful no matter what he does.
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 03.01.05 (10:40 am)
Thank you :-)
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